Words of Advice
When you hit the wall, son:
Eschew the picayune.
Think big, boy.
Pray every day.
Go to church.
Go to work.
Eat every toston that passes before you.
Stay fit and sober.
Do as I say.
“Don’t interfere in boy/girl fights.”
If you beat someone do it in the bathroom.
Blood cleans up easier from tile.
Stay away when I set your mother straight.
Don’t tally score when we beat you.
Your mother and I never lie.
Assume your mother and I lie.
Avoid working the sugar cane harvests.
Use sassafras leaves to keep flying insects at bay.
Ours are the best leaders.
Revel in cotton candy politics.
Believe in the sanctity of Richard M. Nixon.
We get the leaders we deserve.
Believe that you are special.
Know that you are a worthless disappointment.
Believe that you are superior to others.
Know that you are inferior to us.
Might and money make right.
Save time and money.
Say no to drugs.
Always keep your gun loaded.
Never point your gun at your own head.
Be a team player.
Be a lone wolf.
You see I never pass up a chance to leer at one.
As long as they don’t find out.
Don’t talk back.
Tip your whores generously.
Smoke opium with any and every governor you cross.
Believe in American hegemony.
Our drugs are the only justified drugs.
Our wars are the only justified wars.
Capitalism or death.
Always drive American.
Take care of your planet.
Don’t tally the score late in the game.
Don’t hate your parents.
Don’t beat or mistreat us when we are frail.
Remember everything we taught you,
Death will be upon you soon enough.
“A range of almost two octaves means
the devil has risen in you. My mother pressed
against a washing machine by a man
not my father. How can we learn by dissonance?”
— Jane Wong / “Microwave Beetle”